Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Evil Twin

Ugh. I almost didn’t publish this post because it is such a contrast to its prior. Honestly, in this moment, I feel like a different person than the author of “Chais and Chats,” but that’s part of it, right? Ups an downs. And although I usually keep a level head, positive outlook, and am mindful of the big picture, it is important to vent on off-days. This is why I created this thing. So, I’m venting...

I have always been attracted to astrology. I often find myself picking up a birthday book or zodiac calendar at Barnes & Noble thinking that by reading about my sign (for the 100,000th time) will explain things to me; it will provide an answer for which I am so desperately searching. The only thing that becomes more clear to me is that I will never escape this desperation because I will always be a Gemini.

Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness. The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces and faults of the young. When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labor and routine. Changing horses in the middle of the stream is another small quirk in the Gemini personality which makes decision making, and sticking to a decision, particularly hard for them.

I pride myself on being versatile and dynamic. Because of this I have befriended many different kinds of people. I have always enjoyed the jobs I’ve had (to an extent). Because of this, I have been able to travel the world, stay in some questionable hostels, adapt to life in a different culture, and not suffer horribly from homesickness. For this I am grateful. My endless interests and possibilities keep me going.

But some days they drag me down. I imagine it’s similar to coming down from an ecstasy high. All this energy, motivation, feelings of hope, love, and invincibility only to be struck down suddenly, leaving me feeling empty, unsure, and sad. Is there a Geminis Anonymous I can check into?

The last few days I have been doing little more than searching for jobs online and writing cover letter after cover letter. I’m good at writing cover letters because it’s easy for me to momentarily get in the mindset that THIS IS MY DREAM JOB, whether it’s an event coordinator for a high profile venue, a bartender at a spunky new wine bar, a counselor for orphans and foster families, or a media planner for a start-up ad agency (to name a few). My head is spinning. I’ve been riding on my positivity wings for a while, really believing I can do whatever I put my mind to. I just wish sometimes I could put my mind to ONE thing. This is the frustration I’m experiencing today and why this flight has come to a halt, a layover if you will.

I am so jealous of people who know exactly what they want to do. They have a plan. They take the necessary steps. Bam. Pau. They’re there. This makes me want to go back to school where things are planned and orderly; I know how many units I need and how to achieve them. One small problem: I don’t know what I want to study. Again, too many interests! Is there a degree that will give me the knowledge and skills for any and every career? If there is, sign me up! That and GA will have me set. I guess life is the closest thing to such a wildly comprehensive dream program and I’m already signed up for that so I guess it’ll have to do... Ugh.

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